Prozac, Zoloft, Abilify, Tegretol, Lexapro, Paxil, Fluoxetine, Cymbalta, Risperdal, Xanax. Xanax has caused me so many fucking problems. In a psychiatric hospital, a trained mental health nurse, whatever they call them, stopped me cold turkey on my Zoloft. Prescribed by my doctor and confirmed by my parents that I had been taking it for over a year.
I don’t know what’s protocol of course, but from other forums I’ve seen of psychiatric nurses, I saw nothing like that when withdrawing patients from drugs.
One of the worst experiences. In my life. I was dizzy. i felt like I was in one of those astronaut simulators, where they’re flung in every direction by that weird ball thing. I cried over everything. Falling on the floor crying and not being able to get up happy/sad.
i had dissociative episodes. I thought I was above my body, almost to the ceiling. Standing at a mirror, I would blink and in that short space of time where my eyes were closed, I had forgotten what I looked like. I had a lucid dream, I think that’s the correct term, where in this dream, I was being sexually assaulted by a male staff member while I was sleeping in my bed. Taking into account all the other symptoms of withdrawal I had, I don’t think this happened, but I guess I’ll never know.
I took handfuls of Xanax to not cut myself, daily.
I tried marijuana and holyyyyyyyy shit, there is no other way to describe it. On days when it works the best, I can sing, dance, unabashed in my kitchen. I can laugh. I can think of never having a family and i can say “It’ll be okay.”
Even if these things I’m thinking aren’t accurate, I adore them.
They’re one of the few things that keep me going, the light at the end of the tunnel.
Everything is beautiful, we are all connected, we are all pieces of each other, of trees, of the ocean and mountains. And tonight, I can almost believe in a loving god.
Sorry for the long post, my weight feels lighter and I needed to share.